Disturbia........

Things aren't going as well as they should be.  Here we are, in month three of the new year and all my good intentions and healthy starts have already fallen by the wayside.  I haven't "decluttered" anything since the second week of January. In fact, it seems I've inadvertently been creating more piles of clutter that will need decluttering.  I have lost my enthusiasm for yoga..... I've discovered that I have terrible balance and many of the poses are impossible for me to do.  I've been trying to eat healthy, but somehow have managed to put on about 8 pounds after having lost 5.   I spend hours every day writing down all my "bills" for the month, adding them up and subtracting them from my "income" and then redo it when I realize the result is unacceptable.  I feel like I'm in a holding pattern while I wait to hear something about the Gates grant.  Even a "No" would be a relief at this point as it would allow me to move on with my life!  And to muddle things up further, I'm still mucking around trying to figure out what I believe and what life is all about.  There's been no progress there other than deeper uncertainty.  And to top it all off, I've made a very unsettling discovery about myself.  It seems I secretly desire for others to have bad luck in life.  This has been difficult to admit to myself but I realize that I feel a small sense of satisfaction when things don't work out for certain people.  This is very disturbing to me and I can't understand why I feel this way, especially when the events have no effect, direct or otherwise, on my life.  This is pure evil and I don't know how to change it.  In trying to understand it, I'm wondering if it's because I don't want anyone to be happier than me?  I'm wondering if everything was going wonderfully for me and I was sitting on top of the world if I'd still feel this way?  I'm trying to remember if I've always felt like this but can't remember as it's something I've only consciously admitted to myself recently.  I suppose I'm going to regret having posted that and I'll end up deleting it.

Moving on.......  I had an unexpectedly delightful experience Wednesday and Thursday when I stumbled into a very engaging book.  I had been reading Her Perfect Symmetry.  It took me a while to get through this book and I was a little disappointed with it.  It is by the same author as The Time Traveler's Wife, which is one of my all-time favorite books.  I finished up Her Perfect Symmetry on Tuesday and Wednesday afternoon was looking for something else to read.  I had bought Mudbound by Hillary Jordan months and months ago.  I think I bought it back in June and took it to Haiti with me when Sean and Allison and I went down to get Maya.  But, I never got around to reading it.  So anyway.... I picked it up and began reading it even though I was not very enthusiastic about it.  Wow!  It grabbed me and held on tight.  What a wonderfully written story heavy with drama and emotion of every type.  I was so sad to finish the book Thursday morning!  Now, I'm hesitant to start anything else because I know it won't be as good.

So now, here it is Saturday morning and the weekend is yawning large in front of me and I don't have a single plan.   What should I do with the next two days?  I'm open for suggestions.....